Lee's Day From Hell
by Broken Mantra
Summary: In one day, Lee attempted to win the hearts of Konoha's women, and failed miserably.  Hear his recollection of his day from hell as he gets much needed advise from his Sensei.Lee then has a shocking revelation! Read to find out! humor,romance, Lee bashing


_Okay, this was a funny thought I had and I needed a little break from my emotionally conflicting angst fest Tactical Manipulation. So I thought to myself, what better way to relieve a little tension that to make Lee's life a mini Hell? __Crack fic, lots of innuendo and swearing. I'm sorry if you're a member of team Lee, but this __was just too funny not to write. __Read and review __is really appreciated__, I'd like to know how I faired at my first humor attempt._

"Gai-Sensei! Gai-Sensei!" a heavily beaten, spandex clad ninja ran hurriedly through the bar to his equally green teacher. Gai pulled his attention from a conversation at the table brewing between Him, Kakashi and Genma before replying to the distraught young man, for the fifth time that day.

"What is it Lee?" Gai questioned. He had an idea but figured the boy needed to get whatever it was this time off his chest. Lee regained enough composure to breathe in deeply before embarking on his story.

"I do not understand Gai-sensei. I am a skilled ninja and burn with the ever raging flame of youth. However it seems my youthfulness is not 'attractive' to the opposite sex." Lee said with his eyes downcast.

The occupants of the table immediately took note of the impending conversation; they concluded it may prove to be interesting. Gai looked at him with confusion evident in his eyes; Lee took this as a silent signal to continue.

"I had asked Sakura-chan out again today. Do you know what she said to me Gai-Sensei?" lee asked, nearing the verge of tears. Whatever she said, Gai got the distinct impression it was not her admission of love for his energetic student. Gai shook his head, causing lee to continue with his story.

"She said, not in a million years now that Sasuke came back. That's when I told her I would do 500 laps around the city to show her my undying love for her." Lee continued, his gaze now growing colder with the recollection of the memory. "Do you know what she said after that?" Lee asked. Gai shook his head again; he knew this conversation was going from bad to worse in record time.

"She said that she hoped I'd drop dead at 499, which is when she laughed at me and left in the company of that snickering Uchiha jerk." Gai's expression went blank at the cruel words he would have never pictured coming out of the mouth of Konoha's only pink haired Kunoichi. The entire table erupted into laughter at the spandex wearing teenager's misfortune. Kakashi had told Lee millions of times to leave Sakura to Sasuke, because eventually Sasuke would tire of his advances on his girlfriend and kill the fool.

"Well Lee…" Gai started, trying desperately to think of any bit of advice that would help the lonely boy.

"Lee why don't you, you know, shower your youthful affections on another woman. Sakura isn't that pretty anyway." Gai was lying, he knew it but he had to say something or else he'd have one depressed taijutsu specialist on his hands. Lee dropped his gaze to the floor once more, an even more distraught look present on his face.

"I tried that too. I decided that Sakura should be happy, and if Sasuke made her happy I should leave them in their youthful happiness. That's when I ran into Ino at the ramen stand. I offered to buy her lunch and she accepted." Lee stopped. Gai was thrilled, his pupil managed do take one of the most skilled kunoichi's in the village on a date.

"That's wonderful news lee! So Ino has fallen prey to your youthful charms?" Gai gushed, raising a thick suggestive eyebrow while the rest of the table looked at him in disbelief.

"Not exactly." Lee stated once more. He sighed heavily before he continued.

"After I paid for our lunches I offered to walk her home one we got outside the ramen stand. Then she erupted into a fit of laughter. I had no idea what was so funny until I asked. Do you want to know what she said to me Gai-sensei?" Gai didn't want to know. He knew it would get worse if he asked him to elaborate. Gai knew that Lee needed to get it off his chest, so he sucked it up and asked in a grave voice

"What did she say?" Gai asked, almost bracing himself for the surely hurtful thing the woman said to his prized student.

"She said "_Spandex is NOT flattering, especially in your case"_ and broke into an even more intense laughter. I still did not understand what she meant by spandex not being flattering so I asked her, and I wish I hadn't. Do you know why she said that spandex is not flattering in my case, Gai-sensei?" Lee asked, his bushy and un-kept eyebrow rising in query. Gai knew what it meant, dammit he knew it! He got that joke before too. Oh how he wished that Kakashi would Mangekyo-Sharingan him into oblivion just so he wouldn't have to deal with this kind of humiliation right now.

"What did it mean, Lee?" Gai asked, preparing for the answer while the others at the table bit and snickered in a controlled state. There was no doubt they would lose it when he confirmed their inferences.

"She said that it makes 'little Lee' look even littler than 'little Lee' already is. She was talking about my… youth…" he said gesturing to his groin. The table lost control, Genma threw his head on the table, banging his fists and began trembling from laughter while Kakashi cackled evilly, Kakashi and Genma were not men you'd want knowing you weren't endowed, to say Kakashi was proud of himself was an understatement. He'd never let you hear the end of it, as Gai knew from personal experience, thus resulting in his nickname of "_teeny greenie beenie__ weenie"_.

Gai didn't know what to say to the boy as of a long time ago, but he needed to go through the motions.

"Lee, she just doesn't know what she's talking about." Just as those words crossed his lips, Ino entered the bar on Shikamaru's arm where she waved a friendly gesture to Rock Lee. No wait, that was no friendly gesture. She raised her pinky finger at him! The little harlot raised her pinky finger at his student! Gai had half a mind to stick gum in that blonde hair until Lee's voice rocked him out of his rage.

"After my rejection from Ino, I was still feeling undefeated and I came across Hinata Hyuuga in the shopping district. I asked her if she would like me to carry her bags as she had quite a few, she smiled and accepted. It was nice not having someone being so rude to you. So we walked while I carried her various bags, when I took note of something kind of shiny lying on top of one of the bags, it was really small and I didn't know what it was so I picked it up. It was this strange contraption that was kind of see through and really soft and basically it was two triangles held together by 3 strings. So I picked it up and started really looking at it, trying to figure out what on earth it was. Do you know what it was, Gai-sensei?" Lee said, his tone reverting to a cold monotone.

Surely it couldn't be what Gai thought it was. Surely Lee had seen enough women to know what _that_ was.

"What was it Lee?" Gai asked, already knowing the boy was talking about a woman's thong underwear.

"Apparently it's some kind of undergarment, as Naruto-kun enlightened me when he punched me after he found out I had 'fondled' his Hinata-Chan's underwear. Then he proceeded to tell me that was his job, I didn't get what he meant by it but by then I was tired of asking questions. They never ended well." Lee finished. Gai took note of the black eye and swollen shut lid.

"Wow, how many times did he punch you?" Gai asked, thoroughly impressed with Naruto's display of taijutsu prowess across his pupil's face.

"Just once." Lee replied. Gai didn't understand, he had a busted lip, his green shirt was torn and a good chunk of his hair had been… cut, or ripped out of his head.

"Then what happened to the rest of you?" Gai asked, not really wanting to hear the rest of the story. He knew there was more, and it just got worse and worse.

"That was Neji-san. He didn't take kindly to my presence at Ten Ten's house with roses en tow. Apparently I was interrupting something that required Neji-san to be in his boxers and Ten Ten to wear her bed sheets like a toga. I think they were having a toga party that I wasn't invited to" Lee said, hurt he hadn't been invited to his team mates party.

"When I asked him if I could join their party too, that's when he started hitting me and calling me a pervert." Lee articulated. Gai's jaw dropped once more as he found out his pupils were romantically involved with one another while the rest of the table continued to writhe in lee's seemingly endless misfortune.

Lee began speaking once more as he pushed Gai over into the booth so he could join the men at the table.

"That's when I decided something." Lee said, that familiar conviction present in his voice.

"What did you decide Lee?" Gai asked, almost afraid of the answer. Lee hesitated for a moment before grabbing a glass of sake himself and downing it in a single shot.

"I'm finished with women. They are too hard to understand; besides I've always been attracted to men anyway."

With that statement the table went dead silent and jaws hit the table. Lee smiling to himself the entire time.

(Don't forget to review! Thanks for reading! Cruel wasn't it?)


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